4:13 am

My heart hurts so much that I can physically feel myself trembling in pain. It feels good to come home to even more fighting. I know what I deserve but i’m too foolish to just let go. I must look like a pathetic fool to everyone else too.

I can’t help but smile and feel happy seeing your number pop up on my phone. It honestly feels nice having you by my side. But I know that at some point this has come to an end until I find the strength in myself to let go of the person i’m with now. And even after that i’ll have to recover before I can think about having you there by my side again. What if this takes a long time.. I worry that you won’t be there. What if someone strikes your heart or makes your heart waiver more than I could ever have? I know I moved on, but I was always so scared to know that you would and eventually will too. I know it’s a part of life, but I was always wishing that somewhere down the road when we figured ourselves out that we’d find ourselves back to each other again. I still wish for that, but I feel like it’s wrong for me to. Maybe there’s a third chance for a first love.

Trauma

Thinking about another guy ever touching my heart again, makes me feel so scared and apprehensive to go through this all over again. How do I go through the process of loving someone so much only to uncover how horrible they can be? Is this love? Or is this just routine for me.. I’m so used to it, that leaving it would feel so foreign. So maybe that’s why even after all the hurt you’ve put me through, I remain stuck here. Because i’m scared of how i’ll be able to love again. How can I love again when you scarred, scratched, battered, and tore my heart? So i’m still here even though my heart tells me that this isn’t healthy anymore. I’m still continuing to endure because i’m hopelessly waiting for you to be the person you promised you’d be. In the end, maybe the person I should be saving myself from is myself.